6 Inch or Foot Long?

I haven't written on here in ages. But a friend of mind, who also happens to be hilarious and a really talented writer, said that this (and Scene Kid of the Day, but that's a story for another entry) is one of her favorite online things to read. So with the pressure on to turn up the hits, I return.

Most of the reason I haven't been writing is that I'm too busy making your Italian BMT (would you like the works on that?) at Subway. My mom would beg to differ since I only work about 10 hours a week. But I feel like I've earned my sandwich cred there since I worked last summer and fall at about 20 hours a week and I will undoubtedly return next summer.

The job itself isn't too bad. Aside from prepping the crab, most of the tasks aren't that disgusting or arduous. It's the customers that makes me want to take my hand and slam it into the bread oven. On the spectrum of fast food, Subway is probably the most expensive (although Arby's is getting up there...have you seen the price of a beef 'n' cheddar recently?) and thus attracts the biggest assholes. I don't care if you have a BMW parked outside, ma'am, you have to pay for the extra cheese you put on that sandwich.

There are a lot of different kinds of assholes that come into my place of employment, though. So here is a brief list of them. If one of these sounds like you, please, stop. I will not hesitate to get really pissed off at you but not show it because I don't want to get written up.

1. The Sandwich Dreamer- This is the idiot that stands blankly in front of the vegetables and just CAN'T decide if he/she wants cucumbers or not. Especially when there is a line out the door behind them. Or the person that spouts out their entire order, veggies and all, in one breath without telling you what kind of bread. And then not being able to decide what kind of bread they want. Let me tell you something: most of our bread tastes exactly the same. Everything is based off of either white or wheat dough, and once you douse your sandwich in honey mustard, you won't taste a difference anyway. And even worse about the Sandwich Dreamer is that they almost always come through drive-thru. Ma'am (because these are usually middle aged women in minivans...or stoners), there are 10 cars behind you, so please decide if you want regular or spicy mustard.

2. The Big Order- This is pretty simple. Don't come in at 12:15 during lunch rush and order 10 foot longs for your office buddies. We hate you and everyone else in the store hates you.

3. The Stickler- This person is straight out of whitewine.com. They don't think our white bread is white enough for them, they aren't sure if the bread is fresh or not (we make it every morning), please change your gloves even though all you've touched is food, the same damn kind of food that you are going to eat, can you double wrap that?, those banana peppers look pretty hard, here let me show you, oh man not that much mayo! etc. These people wouldn't be too unbearable, except they are always the most condescending DOUCHE BAGS on the face of the planet. I cannot express how much these people make my blood boil. They absolutely deserve to have their hearts ripped out by wolves. I'm not a 4 year old, yes I speak English, and yes, you need to leave my store before I take this loaf of Italian Herbs and Cheese bread and beat your face in with it.

You're ugly anyway.

Today some jerk came in asking for directions to campus, and when my perfectly kind coworker chimed in, he turned to him and said "Excuse me, SHE was giving me directions." He was not using his indoor voice or his friendly tone. I wanted to shove jalapenos into his eyeballs. And since my last day at Subway this summer is tomorrow, I decided to not just grit my teeth this time. I said to him, "Sir, first of all don't be rude to my coworkers. Second of all, buy a map." And I turned on my heels and went back to the kitchen to scream about it. Do you know how good that felt? And that all of us feel that way about you if you fall into one of the above categories?

Now, are you going to have a meal with that?